Mother of the year does not belong to me this morning

I should have known when I told Brent last night  I was really tired that it would be a very long night and subsequently a long day.  I couldn't sleep for the life of me...again...last night.  I HATE THAT!  Every couple of weeks I have a night where I'm wide awake and there's nothing that helps it.  I lay in bed for an hour going through all my little sleepy tricks and when I've gotten to the end and I'm still awake, I get up.  

This morning was the worst morning.  I got out of bed around 6:20 after having only a few good hours of sleep.  Breakfast & lunch seemed to be too much to handle.  I started a smoothie and then asked Emma when her Smoothie Demonstration was at school.  She launched into a big excuse and told me it was today.  WHAT?  Two hours of sleep does not really prepare you to change gears so quickly.  Well I didn't change smoothly and lets just say the chain fell off the gear.  Scrambling to get everything ready for her to present today without getting upset was not in the books. I lost it.

I feel really horrible.  Mother of the year does not belong to me this morning.  I said something that was hurtful and dug deep without even thinking about it.  The look on my daughters face was so broken.  I immediately knew I had said something terrible but I was too angry to act properly.  She started to get up and walk off and I told her to sit her butt back down.  AGH!  Again raising my voice and loosing it.  What is wrong with me?  Well I guess that was what woke me up enough to dive into action mode instead of Wicked Witch of the West mode and then she and I started to get things done.  

She came in with my phone a little while later saying I had a text from one of the ladies I go to the Bishops Storehouse with wanting to know if I was going.  I had Emma text her back I wasn't because something had come up.  I was trying desperately to get the blender cleaned and packed to send to school, plus make everything for her demonstration easier, when I looked up and saw she was crying those silent but deadly tears.  I realized that she realized I wasn't going because of her.  Everything seemed so petty and small at that moment.  All the angry words and raised voices were so regretted.  I stopped what I was doing opened my arms and brought her into my embrace.  I told her I was sorry for getting so angry and that there is no excuse for that kind of behavior.  She said she felt bad I was missing the Storehouse today because of her.  I took a moment, one that should have been the way we started, and told her I would miss the Storehouse every time if she needed me to. 

Luckily we were out the door by 7:25 and we got ALMOST everything up to her class before school started.  I still had to get little sample cups, spinach, and ice but it worked out.  I'm nervous for her because she's only practiced once and that sorta didn't go so well.  I wish I could be fly on the wall, I wish I hadn't lost my temper, and I wish I would have taken a Benadryl to put me to sleep last night when I told Brent I wasn't really all that tired.