Superhero

I started long ago looking at myself as someone special.  My Patriarchal Blessing tells me that and so, I have proof!  For quite some time that thought got me through difficult moments.  At some point I started looking at my faults and tried to work on them.  I have tried to own up to each one and work on improving.  While looking at my faults however, I took a look at my strengths and decided to make them work for me while working on my faults.  It's a process I work on over and over again or lets say "I did work on".  The "did" is important to the story.

For approximately a year now I've had a hard time not letting depression consume me.  It's been a daily struggle and a huge learning process and I'm grateful for it...now.  Things are better and better everyday and I'm so thankful for the many things that have brought me to this point.  At the end of July I attended a training for our commonwealth's mentoring program.  I didn't want to be there and up to the very point of leaving the house that morning I considered canceling.  There I was though and I was enjoying it despite my previous feelings.  It was then that our instructor took a few moments out right before lunch to tell us that we are genius'.  She talked about the idea that we can be a genius and imperfect all at the same time.  Part of the reason I hadn't wanted to attend this training was because I was feeling like I didn't have what it takes to mentor anyone and why I had been chosen was beyond my understanding.  As I heard these words though it really felt like the heavens had opened and spirits were whispering the truthfulness of what had been spoken and in all reality I believe that is exactly what happened. 

This paradox of being imperfect and a genius, months later, still gets to me and puts that tight little knot in my chest.  How is it that this idea could bring about a change in my heart, I do not understand but what I do know is that it was enough to start changing my feeling of failure.  As the concept has grown in my understanding the depression has lessened and I find myself not faking my smile.  I realized in September after my first lecture to my scholars that I mentor that the "did" was indeed a "did" and that it needed to become a "do"!  I realized how many of my thoughts had been consumed on my faults and failures and that I had not spent any time recognizing my strengths and I realized I had missed that part of me because that in and of itself is a strength.  From that moment on (and yes it has only been a month) I have again started working on my faults and making my strengths stronger, turning my ten talents into twenty and remembering that through my weaknesses my strengths are strengthened.

Today my self esteem took a hit; not a big hit or anything major but a hit nonetheless. It's not the first hit since my revelation in July but it threw me off balance for a moment.  A sweet voice from a friend came into my head reminding me that it doesn't matter what others think.  Then tonight a song came on and I looked at it just a little differently than I ever have before.  It's Superman by Five for Fighting and some of those lyrics ended up getting belted out of my lungs at top volume while driving down the road with my windows down.  Here they are...

"Superman (It's Not Easy)"

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naïve
I'm just out to find
The better part of me

I'm more than a bird,
I'm more than a plane
I'm more than some pretty face beside a train
It's not easy to be me

I wish that I could cry
Fall upon my knees
Find a way to lie
'Bout a home I'll never see

It may sound absurd but don't be naïve
Even heroes have the right to bleed
I may be disturbed but won’t you concede
Even Heroes have the right to dream
And it's not easy to be me

Up, up and away, away from me
Well, it's alright
You can all sleep sound tonight
I'm not crazy or anything

I can't stand to fly
I'm not that naïve
Men weren't meant to ride
With clouds between their knees

I'm only a man in a silly red sheet
Digging for kryptonite on this one way street
Only a man in a funny red sheet
Looking for special things inside of me
Inside of me, inside of me 

I’m only a man in a funny red sheet
I’m only a man looking for her dream
I’m only a man in a funny red sheet
It's not easy.
It's not easy to be me.

 

I haven't ever really considered myself a superhero.   I have considered myself pretty darn awesome and a dang good Gerryrigger but I kind of like the thought of being a superhero in this song.  I'm only a "wo"man pumping myself up by wearing a red sheet as a cape to convince myself that I'm enough and guess what?  When you have a day when your self esteem takes a hit...IT'S NOT EASY to look for the special things inside of yourself.  There are though, special things inside of me.  Things that I need to remind myself of, sometimes second after frustrating second.  As I've thought over today and am putting it behind me I remembered one moment.  A scholar (not one of mine) came over and talked to me at lunch today.  She came over of her own volition because she wanted to be with me.  I'm not crazy or conceited in thinking that I could possibly make superhero status but from this day forward and until I die I will forever think of myself as just that, a superhero!