The Savior Never Left Me

I've tossed and turned, hemmed and hawed over posting this event on the blog because it's been a struggle for me. It's been an emotionally difficult time to understand and comprehend.  Through a few kind friends and a very loving husband, parents and Heavenly Father I think I'm finally starting to move on, slowly but surely.   This "event"  happened while we were at my parents for Thanksgiving.  I had a miscarriage or I didn't because later I found out there never was a fetus.  Several days after my normal cycle started, when I should have been slowing down, I started speeding up.  Everything was getting heavier and I was cramping but with more like contraction type cramps.  I was loosing so much more blood than I'd ever before and something wasn't right.  My mom at one point asked if she thought I was having a miscarriage and that's when I went to check my cycle.  It was earlier that usual but only by about 5 days.  It would slow and then hit like a ton of bricks.  This happened for a few days.  Monday we drove home and it was without incident until we got home.  That's when I found myself on the floor again in a fetal position, contracting.  I called and set up an appointment with the Dr. which led to blood work and an ultrasound.  Tests were negative as well as my uterus being overly normal and clean.  The sweet doctor said that this kind of thing can happen.  She described something where the body thinks it's pregnant and begins to show the signs of pregnancy but then realizes it's not and rids the body of the preparations.  That was pretty much the only explanation she had for me. 

Well that sucks the big dill pickle for a number of reasons.  Brent and I have tried getting pregnant for several years now, 8 to be exact with only an eight month stint of not trying while I was going through my cerebral suto brain tumor thingy.  I will not go into the adoption stories or anything like that for reasons that are private but I do want to share some things.  

So I have this fake pregnancy.  Before this I had really gotten to the point in my life that I was ok not having any more kids.  It has taken a lot of years, tears, understanding, and growth to get to this point.  The feeling and longing never has gone away completely for me nor do I ever expect it to but I had come to this point where I could turn to my Heavenly Father when those longings came and ask for His assistance to help me and He would.  I felt like our relationship was soooo strong in that aspect.  Then this happens.  Everything gets dashed away.  Not only can I not get pregnant but I can't even get FAKE pregnant which I know completely doesn't make any sense whatsoever but that was where my mind was.  Long gone was the feeling of ok'dness I had about not having more kids.  Long gone was my secure relationship with the Lord.  I didn't even know who I was at that point any more.  

The doctor was telling me, "Give it a few months and then try again. There's nothing wrong with your parts that make babies!"  WHAT?  WHY?  So I can fail!?!  Seriously what's the point!  There was no point.  Even if I wanted to try again I didn't know if I wanted to!  Again no sense whatsoever.  Things were a mess.  I found myself just staring at nothing for long periods of time.  Brent went off to work, Emma of to school, and I was staring.  

Do we adopt?  Do we keep trying?  Do we hope for things?  Do we have faith for things?  Do we give up the trying and use protection?  Does it even matter what choice I make because the Lord's going to have His way anyway!  Did I even care?  Did I want to care?  Should I care?  Should this be important any longer? Why is my body fine for making babies but nothing's happening?  The Christmas season was upon us and that was a welcomed distraction but really it was just that.  I would still have to face the music and I was still left with this void where I didn't know the way any longer that the Savior could help me. 

Then one night I lost it at a weeknight Relief Society meeting.  Luckily for me, one of those kind friends that was mentioned earlier was right beside me, however everyone else around me thought I was completely nuts.  I got the feeling everyone was saying, "Isn't she over this yet?"  Then came the ticked off at everyone who thinks I should be "over this" stage.  I WAS NOT OVER IT and I didn't want to be!  I didn't want to be because I was so scared of finding the relationship I had had with my Savior because that meant I was responsible for my actions.  By the way it took me awhile to figure that one out and in the mean time I was becoming bitter.  Bitter to Emma, bitter to Brent. 

Volleyball helps!  It helps to pound a ball into very lovely innocent and understanding women who are easy to forgive your not so gentle spike into their front line!  When I had been to volleyball one day and was feeling especially good about my performance on the court I realized "I" had not been present in my life lately.  I realized I had not been happy, there was no joy.  That is not the me I know.  I am happy generally and I like being happy.  I like smiling and feeling good and I hadn't really been happy for a while.  

So another day soon after the volleyball incident I talked to a friend over the phone.  It's a friend who's lost children and she and I have been through so much "children" drama together we could write a book!  I told her I just wanted to have the feeling of wanting another child taken away.  I felt like if I could just have that removed than I would get over everything else and be able to rediscover the relationship with my Heavenly Father all over.  She fed me the same line I had fed her before and it hurt just a little realizing my words would come back to haunt me.  "You said it yourself Cyn, the feelings of wanting another child never really leave but through the help of Heavenly Father you can be happy and not have to feel that longing as strong."  

So now after so many months I'm happy to say that even though I purposely didn't attend two out of three baby showers because it was too painful, my relationship with my Heavenly Father is stronger, different, but stronger.  It's still hard and there will still be times where I want to hold your baby but I know I'll cry if I do and there will be times I'm itching to hold your baby.  I pray people understand both.  I still want more children.  I want a Levi Vaugh so much it hurts to the point of tears sometimes but the tears are beginning to dry up and I am starting to feel my Saviors arms around me again even though I know they've never left.

Today in Fast and Testimony meeting was one of those times.  There was a young Deacon who bore his testimony about loving the fact that he gets to hold the Priesthood.  That was joy!  He was such an example of true joy to me that it gave me hope I would be able to feel that again.  I guess that's really why I've written this post, because I'm ready to start moving on!  I want to feel that joy!