Not My Typical M.O.

Sometimes depression happens to show its ugly head and you know not from where it came. Saturday morning was that way for me. I woke feeling a sense of urgency to get my list of to-do's accomplished but under the urgency there it was, depression. I told myself to get over it and get on with my day. Errand and another were checked off but not with a smile or a quip to a stranger at the grocery store. There was no paying it forward i.e. getting something off the top shelf for someone or commenting on how pretty someone's hair was because I had no desire to even look another in the eye. These things make me happy and are my typical M.O. Finished with my errands I came home defeated, complete of task but defeated nonetheless. Lurking on my list was preparing for Primary Sharing Time. Typically I read over the monthly theme a week before and spend time pondering the gospel principle I am to teach and this time was no different in the preparation.  The difference this time, however, was not a single bit of inspiration came to me in the time I spent pondering. In the past I would have quickly bowed my head and asked the Lord for help but I could not shake the feeling of defeat and "Satan the jerk" knew it. I tried reminding myself of my mantra, "You are a failure and a genius at the same time" but to no avail I was in the woes of defeat and felt no where close in allowing myself to accept/learn from my failures and see my genius. 

The Holy Ghost is an incredible friend! Here I am in my defeat and I remember that my husband and I are trying to work on communicating better so I tell him I'm having a tough morning and the depression is getting the better of me. I tell him I feel like I can't shake it. With a few questions he and I discover the problem is derived most likely from the inability to plan this Primary lesson. No solution was found in the brief moments of conversation but something important happened, I voiced my problem. I feel like the physical act of telling Brent what was bothering me was just enough to break Satan's hold over me. I'm unsure whether it was admitting out loud I was suffering or releasing it from my exaggerating mind that stopped the cycle but either way I'm  grateful for the Holy Ghost reminding me about my promise to my husband. Later I felt the prompting to call my sweet mother, moms make everything better, and through a few tears and a recollection of a similar lesson she'd given she pushed me into the direction I needed to get going on my lesson. 

Pulling out of the depression isn't  like a blink from a genie where it all disappears, it's gradual. By the time Brent and I walked through Sams Club later that day I was feeling happy and smiling. I hate this hopeless feeling and how it takes over completely and makes it so hard to feel like my normal happy self. I don't enjoy feeling this way. I love being happy, I love smiling, and I hope by learning to communicate out loud about what I'm going through will help me to break the cycle more quickly from now on. 

I'm grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving us a link between Him and us. I'm grateful we have not been left here alone to try and get through this test without Him. I'm grateful for a husband who understands depression and grateful for a mother who lives in righteousness and is a constant support. Lastly I'm grateful to be learning more about this terrible condition, what triggers it, and how to problem solve through it.  Hopefully by sharing this experience I can remember it is written to refer back and maybe it will help someone else.