Pride and my Exaggerated Brain

Monolog alert - This post is long!

I've given this blogging thing a lot of thought over the last little while.  I don't want to only post the hard things or only post the great things.  I don't want a travel log and I don't want this blog to be boring, however I realize I'm not trying to impress anyone any longer by the life I lead. Writing is therapeutic for me and I need to express what's going on inside my exaggerated brain! (That would be the first definition of exaggerated 1. unrealistically magnified.....not the second 2. abnormally enlarged.)  With that being said I've decided to write out a major hurdle I've been going through for the last two years.  

I've made mention of depression and different instances where it's affected me but I've told very few of why. To clarify I don't believe that depression has to have a reason or a catalyst but for me there have been moments which have increased this suffering. I finally feel I am at a place where I understand my Heavenly Father's love for me and I feel safe enough to share my pride.

Two years ago Brent started looking for a new job.  I loved San Diego and I loved our situation there.  In October he thought he found a job in San Fransisco and started the interview process. I was mad.  I didn't want to leave for many reasons but the biggest was Emma had just started a great home school program and finally started to enjoy school.  If all went well with the HS (home school-HS) we would be hopefully joining a commonwealth the next year where I really wanted Emma involved.  Our future (mine and Emma's) looked bright.  I was so mad at Brent. 

During that time I went to Las Vegas to help my dad with his knee surgery and while there I voiced my upset with my parents.  My dad tried to help me see Brent's side which made me mad again and I was not open to being humbled or to seeing any other point of view.  My mom suggested my dad give me a Priesthood blessing which, I was again not happy about but I knew my dad was a worthy Priesthood holder and would not be biased.  During the blessing he commanded evil spirits to depart from my body.  

Let me pause...any reader at this point would be already guessing the end to this story.  The spirits depart, I realize my mistake, I realize my husbands need, he finds a job, I'm supportive, we move, yadda yadda yadda! You already sorta know the ending because yes we've moved to Louisville but there is two years in between and it has not been easy! 

There is no simple in this.  I have been raised with an understanding of the gospel of Jesus Christ and I have worked hard to build my testimony of Christ.  I've worked hard on my relationship with my Heavenly Father to know of His love and I've realized I can't know how to love others until I love myself; working hard to make sure I knew this was my biggest goal and Satan was and always is my biggest enemy. I am not one of those people who let evil spirits find purchase within themselves and that line right there is what my pride was all about! 

Talk about standing on your soap box! NO   I'm    not    one   of    THOSE   people!!!!!  What a jerk!  Instead of feeling instant relief from the presence of Satan I felt ashamed, humiliated, loads of self-disgust and very honestly embarrassed such a thing could transpire while I was at the helm.  The next morning I talked it over with my mom, when I flew home I talked it over with Brent, a few months later I talked it over with my sister, all people I felt safe with but none could take away how embarrassed I felt, in part, because I didn't realize the pride that existed behind the embarrassment.  I wasn't about to admit to anyone else my folly, I wasn't about to admit this good little Mormon girl allowed evil spirits to enter in because I was above it all. That would never happen to someone as righteous as I.  I couldn't let people know......I'm human!  

Within a few months I was very uncomfortable around everyone because I felt such shame and started to withdraw.  I would go to girls night or church and say almost nothing to anyone unless specifically address and when addressed I would fake it and act like nothing could possibly bother me.  I'm sad to admit now that even my very closest friends were not let in to know what was going on.  HS was a great excuse because I could disappear for days on end without having to see anyone but Brent and Emma.  It was also horrible because I had loads of time to (my phrase of the day) let my brain exaggerate (again 1st definition)!  The problem only increased, Brent continued to have job interviews, I continued to fake it and keep it a secret, and my life slowly pulled further from Christ even though visually nothing seemed different. Most of the time I was so down and nothing could pull me up. When I felt I had to be somewhere I would fake it for as long as I could but being alone was the only thing that ever felt natural.

Something happened along the way and I feel it was my Savior stepping in and saying I had had enough.  Remember the commonwealth?  Well it was time to start getting involved which meant our whole family would be involved, which meant those in the positions to make decisions asked me to mentor 12 early age teenagers and help them come to the understanding of how our country was established and help them feel a sense of ownership in America over the next year.  I, of course now lacking my previously developed positive self esteem, questioned why anyone would want me to mentor their children.

In August almost 1 year ago now I attended a training course for this class I was to mentor.  I remember pulling up at my friends house, I was going to follow her there, feeling overwhelmed with a sense of not wanting to go.  It was so strong I nearly canceled 4 times before leaving my house and then once again while at Amy's waiting for her to finish getting ready.  Now I'm able to recognize Satan's influence there.  Thankfully I drove the 45 minutes to Temecula.  Right before lunch our speaker Anneladee Milne apologized because she was about to run us into lunch but she felt she needed to share something before we broke.  

She started talking about recognizing our students for the genius' they are and accepting that they are allowed to be failures while still being a genius. I thought this was all well and good and good advice for me as a mentor but then she turned the table on us and told us that we were allowed the same right.  She told us we were allowed to make mistakes and allowed to not be perfect and allowed to be genius' even though we would be making mistakes during our genius lifetime.  These are all things I know but....I had not given myself permission to fail. I had never given myself permission to accept the fact anyone could have evil spirits around them even if they have safe guarded against them. I sat there crying tears of joy for the first time in a really long time.

Amy and I went to lunch and I was on top of the world.  I hadn't felt so free for a year.  Someone just told me I was allowed to be imperfect and for whatever reason I believed this time.  I was happier than I had been for what seemed a long time.  I started mentoring my awesome class in September and soon I realized by serving others in this capacity I found joy.  I was loving being a part of the Millenial Scholar Academy (MSA) Commonwealth and being a part of a new community. It did a lot for my heart but not much for my pride.

In the background and unfortunately that is exactly how I viewed it, Brent continued to search in vain for a new job and I continued to basically not support him.  I was having a great time with my new MSA/HS lifestyle and moving was the furthest thing from my heart, meanwhile he was suffering with his own depression and I wasn't there because I finally felt halfway normal again; I refused to acknowledge him searching for a job. All good things must come to an end and on Halloween they did.  Brent was offered an incredible opportunity in Louisville and we spent the weekend praying and fasting.  All three of us knew it was right even though two of us didn't want to admit it. 

Soon we were telling our friends goodbye and we were moving across the country.  I haven't ever really felt like the times I've needed to mourn lasted very long but this move and leaving all my fun old and new friends and adventures was hard.  I told myself I would work really hard to make new friends and put our lives into a situation where we were happy to be part of Louisville and for the most part it's been good.  It's been hard but good.  

Very quickly though I started to see exactly what the result of the last two years had brought me.  My marriage wasn't on the rocks but it was far from where it needs to be, my husband was unfortunately not my best friend, and without the bedazzled MSA there to umbrella my happiness I was fighting once again with depression but this time I was fighting with needing normalcy, and realizing my marriage wasn't great.  In attempt to find normalcy I sort of opened up to my husband, my mom, Amy and Stephanie. Stephanie kept telling me time and again to lower my expectations and give ourselves time to adjust but I was so stubborn and I wanted everything to get back to normal so I kept pushing.

Finally one night the levies broke, Brent and I sat in bed talking for hours.  Over time I started to see what I had done to him and to our relationship.  (Don't think I'm taking this all on myself because he is at fault as well for other things that he can blog about if so desired.)  For a month or so I was frustrated with everything that had happened and I was unsure about the next step.  Brent and I have talked several times about improving our relationship since then and I feel things are better.  As always we will continue to need to work on communication as that's our biggest problem but we are in a better place and I really believe working on a healthy relationship with Brent is what has helped me work up to the point where I understood the whole business about pride.

A few days ago Stephanie and I were having a phone therapy session (yes we are both self declared psychotherapists) and all the sudden I had a revelation that this was all built upon pride.  Since moving here I have had experiences which have helped me humbled myself to be able to accept the Lord's revelation to me.  Slowly I feel like I'm able to be joyful.  Slowly I've watched my relationship with my Heavenly Father progress and slowly I'm allowing me to find the love for my own self again.

I like to think I am generally happy with a few down times.  I know I have down times and I know I will always have down times.  The depression still comes off and on especially this last week when Brent has worked long hours and Emma is at my sisters.  I have tried to stay active because Satan likes to swoop in when I'm idle and exaggerate my brain!  I need to apologize to those (you know who you are) whom I wouldn't let in.  I KNOW now you would have been there for me.  I'm so sorry my pride got in the way but I also want to thank you because without you I might have withered away. You kept me included when I was distant and I always felt your love even though I wouldn't accept anyone knowing of my genius failures.  I still have battles before me but by writing this I pray I can remember what pride leads to.