Going "Home"

Today has been a downer of a day. I typically consider myself a pretty upbeat and happy person. In the world there is so much to be down or upset about but in "my" world there really isn't very much that gets me down. This morning however I got some news that a dear sweet woman from my ward went "Home". It's not as if I was best friends with the woman but she is my sister and I have cherished the times I was with her. Sister Beth Hone had a major stroke last Tuesday and her family said goodbye to her sometime yesterday. For me the news was quite unexpected. Yes she is an older sister but in talking with her I never got the impression she was ill. She was one of the women who always was there, quietly sitting in the back and not making much of an impression because she never said much but she was always there. I loved to come in to Relief Society and see if I could make her smile. Awhile ago I wrote about Emma's Brinkalee's and how there was an sweet older sister in our ward with lots of wrinkles. Beth was the woman. You know after I wrote about that on my blog I got the nerve to go up and talk to Beth and tell her that story. She said that she earned every single one of those wrinkles and that no she had not heard Emma so loudly say that. I certainly have been taken back by this news of her death. I understand the plan of salvation and I am comforted in knowing that someday I will be with my loved ones again but it never gets easier. The first funeral that I can remember going to was my Mom and Dad's dear friend Jenny (i'd spell her last name but I know I'd get it wrong but it sounds like "coke in hour"). She died from Luekemia. I remember my primary teacher coming up to me when I was crying and asking me what was wrong. I remember thinking to myself at the time, "I'M SAD!" I watched my parents cry through her funeral and was touched at the very early age of 5 or 6 and felt their loss. Still today whenever ever Momma talks about Jenny, I feel her loss. The next one I remember was Jimmy Davison who died my sophmore year of high school because of complications through MD. There is a lot I remember about this but the thing that stands out in my mind the most is walking away from the burial plot and finally giving into the tears letting loose with every emotion I really didn't understand. I remember breaking apart from the group of friends I was walking with because I couldn't take "it" anymore. I remember my dad running up and pulling me in close and holding me as we walked back to the car in the rain. He didn't say a word. There wasn't a word to be said and he knew that. He just let me bawl into his shoulder. Since then there have been a few very emotional deaths in my life. Lisa Gamett, Terry Marshall, Trevor Mohler, both of my Abbott Grandparents. There are too many to even think about really. Each time someone close goes Home, there is a sadness and a loss that is hard to think about and deal with. Over time this ache lessens until one day you realize it's November 15th and you haven't thought about Lisa Gamett for awhile. There are so many kinds of different losses as well. I know my dear, dear friend Stephanie has been through a tremendous loss in the last few years by just being told she may not have more kids. I too have felt that frustration and loss over not being able to concieve another child. There have been so many emotions over this one subject and yet they never cease. You think one day that you are doing pretty well with this and the the next you are sitting at Lunch Group holding a little guy in your lap while he watches video's on your telephone and you realize that if you plan had gone the way you wanted it to, that this would be your third child sitting in your lap an not someone else's. Sometimes I wonder what in the world the Lord has in store for me if I am not supposed to be having kids then what am I supposed to be doing. I guess I am doing what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Well in the end I guess ultimately what I am trying to say is that death is hard even with the knowledge of the plan of salvation and that tomorrow is another day to work on what the Lord has in store for us. Today it was to help Emma with the tough words in her book and tomorrow maybe it will be to do the same thing. Who know's really except the Lord.