Hypocrite!

(Note to readers-This is long. Sorry! It is also for me to vent and learn about myself and not directed at anyone specifically except myself. Please do not assume I am talking about you and please do not get offended by anything you read. Again this is directed at me and me alone. Anything you take from this is once again NOT ABOUT YOU unless you really feel like you needed to hear it! Oh and one other thing, I don't cry as much as I make it out to seem.)

Yesterday in Sunday School we talked about the Savior's Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6 and more specifically "...that thine alms may be in secret" and "...do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men". Now, after much discussion about what the word hypocrite means and what exactly a hypocrite is, a comment was made about us all being hypocrites of a type. I wish I had a great memory to know exactly what was said but the gist of it was that we all put on our best, do up our hair, and act in our best behavior to come to church but then during the rest of the six days and 21 hours of the week we may or may not talk, look, or "act" the same as we do at church. He backed it up by saying that this is in part ok because the persona we put on to come to church helps invite the Spirit and helps us come closer to Christ. After thinking about this for a few hours today, I think there is merit to what he said. I think that we do put on a certain persona specific for church attendance that enables us to be in the correct frame of mind for receiving the spirit.

With that being said however I think there was some truth to the comment as well before he backed it up. I will be the first to blame myself and call myself a hypocrite before I call anyone else one. I think there is a point especially among us women (but not solely women) that we can certainly call ourselves hypocrites. I'm going to go out on a limb and saying that sometimes we take the "persona" too far. What in the world am I talking about? Well there are two parts to this. Church should not have to be a popularity contest or a fashion show. That's number 1. Number 2 is a bit more complex and I see it as a problem that me myself and I face, not as often as others but nonetheless, still face. It's the old "putting on a good face".

So let me deal with #1 first. Recently in other area's of my life (non church related area's) I feel like I have been placed in a popularity contest and unfortunately it's been decided that I'm on the "in" side. I use the word unfortunately correctly here. I don't want this title nor am I happy about receiving it. I have learned first hand the meaning of hypocrites and much to my chagrin I wish I could take back the very moment when I made a decision that lead me down this frustrating road that at the moment has no end in sight. Now after this lengthy somewhat unenlightened side note that no one but my husband and I understand, let me just say that when I come to church I want to leave these archaic worldly people behind and be surrounded by my ward family to be comforted and loved and certainly not judged by what dress I'm wearing or how much money my tithing check was for. My ward family is my sanctuary and my safe haven and I depend on them just as much as I depend on my own family to do the same. I face that (fill in your own unpleasant word here) ---- in the worldly arena and I don't want to face it with the sisters and brothers that I depend on from church. Phew! Enough said!

OK on to number 2! Attitude is everything right? At times we put on a good face so as to help ourselves stay positive and upbeat. That's great! There is a point however that we need to let our guard down and let others know we are not doing, well, as fabulous as we are hoping others see us as. It's nobodies business right? True it doesn't need to be announced over the pulpit but I have learned through concerned friends that there is a ton of things that can be done for you without it being announced to the general public. Now I'm not saying that problems should be made over dramatic either where everyone and anyone you see walking down the road is informed of all your drama. Remember that sanctuary I was talking about earlier? These people have been put in your (my) immediate path to provide sanctuary. Remember the hypocrite thing that I started out this run on sentence of a post with? Don't come to church and make believe that you are this perfect perky happy loving family if you can't stand you husband that day or if your kid forgot to brush their teeth and you can't stand it when she leans in and whispers right in your face with her forgotten, never been brushed, morning breath! It's ok to seem ticked! OR sometimes it's ok to cry during the closing song of Teach Me to Walk in the Light just because it reminds you of when you and your mom sang it for a Relief Society thing when you were a little girl and you just happen to be missing your mom something fierce. It's ok to let others know that you are missing your mom and you need a substitute hug from someone that can for a moment take her place for her. THAT"S OK! It's ok to ask someone to pray with you or for you, it's ok to tell someone you're going through a rough week, day, year, or month. It's ok to sink into some sweet sister you know will ask nothing of you but provide wonderful warmth and lean on her testimony for a few, however long minutes. We've all had those times when some innocent person never takes the hint that we need help and smiles and nods her head like the world is wonderful when we say we've had a tough time but for the most part we belong to a wonderful society of women who care and WANT to help. That's what sets us apart from other women. We have been trained by example, almost from birth to want to help. LET OTHERS HELP screams inside my head more often than not when I've had a time of it! This has been a hard lesson for me to learn and one I'm still earnestly trying to make myself learn. I love giving service when I can but I honestly have a hard time accepting it and showing others that I need it. CALL ME A HYPOCRITE, I am one at times, but I'm trying. I'm trying to be that sisters for others to serve and that sister that serves others. More than once I've gleaned on to someone that I KNEW had a strong testimony because I needed that strength in my life. I wish just once I had told them that I needed them. Who would I become if I let others help me as much as I wanted to help others? What possibilities lie in wait for me if I humble myself enough to accept what the Lord is placing in my path?

So my goals must be written here because I've had a chance to vent and rant but if I don't want to try and change myself then what was the point in this. Goal #1 Make sure I'm not the one making others feel left out and include everyone without hesitation! Goal #2 Let others know I'm missing my mom instead of going home and having a cry session alone. We all miss our mommies at one time or another! Goal #3 Let others see the real me, emotions and all. After all I can talk through the tears! Goal #4 Accept and acknowledge that the Lord has placed wonderful spirits in my path and He expects me to use them.

On a side note that bad morning breath girl fell asleep on my shoulder and snored her way through the second half of Sacrament meeting as my shoulder and leg fell asleep from being in the same position for too long. I wouldn't have traded my stinky breath kid for anything at that moment though. It was worth the world for me to see her like that, so relaxed and cuddled against me that she would drift off into dream land! What a precious moment even if right before she was driving me nuts with her morning (1 o'clock church) breath!