in Relief Society. It's something that blindsided me and literally forced me to take action over my own relationship with the Lord. I won't go into great details in this post because for one I already have in previous posts and two the people involved with the original happenings already know what I'm talking about but I'll give you a synopsis so that you can get the jist and by the way even thought this is a synopsis, it's gonna be long.Last year Emma went through some really hard times in first grade. Her teacher, to put it mildly, was to blame for a good portion of the problem but because I had felt that the Spirit had directed our family, Emma stayed in that class for most of the year. During the last trimester of school I saw things going on at home and in school that were confusing and upsetting and Brent and I continued to struggle with understanding what the real problem was. Finally one day I came into school and without the teacher realizing I was there, I witnessed some things that were very eye opening and upsetting to me. (it was nothing immoral or physically abusive) I realized that it was her teacher that was effecting Emma's behavior at home and her performance at school. That was a Thursday and by Monday, Emma had been moved into a new class where she spent the remainder of the year. Emma had fallen behind due to this teachers carelessness and I was riddled with guilt among many other emotions about this situation. I questioned my original feelings from the Spirit and unfortunately I let Satan in and hate grew inside.
We moved shortly after the school year was out and I left my emotions for that teacher back in that school, or so I thought. We entered into a new school year and I realized just how far Emma had really fallen behind. I again was outraged at what had happened. Several times over this school year I have felt a hatred for that first grade teacher. I have pushed and pushed Emma to work harder and try, in my mind, to catch up. I was talking with a friend one day and she told me that I really shouldn't worry about Emma being at the same level with the kids of her class because a good portion of the kids in her class were at a different level than all the other 2nd graders. This made me feel so much better about where my daughter was and when the 2nd trimester grades came out and I saw that she was meeting all the state standards, my mind was put at ease.
UNTIL......In March I started to work on a blurb book for 2008. I came across blog posts that I had written around that time when Emma was going through such hard times and those feelings and emotions all came back so fast and really so much harder than it had for a long time. I told Brent that I wanted these emotions gone, that I really wanted to be able to move past it and I thought I had until I came across it in the blurb book. We talked about ways to move past it. I talked to Steph and my mom and I felt better about my decisions that I made at that time. They all reassured me that everything happens for a reason and that I really was listening to the Spirit and that that was the direction Emma needed to go in at that time. Since then and until this past Fast Sunday I once again buried it and tried to just forget about it.
Then Sis. Day gave this lesson on giving every trial you have to the Lord. She talked about not only giving our sins to him but had a list of thirteen "could be" trials of things that we should give over to the Lord to help us through them. One of them just happened to be a difficult childhood. Now I'm not saying that my childhood was bad. I grew up in a loving home with loving parents who taught me the gospel and supported me in my learning and growth. I came home from the lesson thinking that it had been a really great lesson. I kinda put it into the back of my mind until Monday when I was cleaning up the desk and getting Emma's homework for the week ready. All the sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks! It was not my childhood that was effected but Emma's and while I let this hatred continue on, I am really hurting my child because I, me myself and I, can't move on. I was not giving this trial to the Lord to help me move on. I had not truly knelt and prayed for Him to take this burden from me. Quickly I found myself on my knees pleading with my Father for help and almost just as quickly I felt Him there, His arms around mine, lifting my burdens. The feeling for the next couple of days was of freedom. The hatred decreased and I could physically feel that weight being taken from me. Since then I have had a few experiences to help me along. The first was my friend Steph. She, thankfully having listened to the Spirit, told me that her early difficult childhood experiences taught her to be compassionate and have empathy for others with similar problems as she once faced. Those words were the balm I needed. Then one day as I prepared dinner flipped on the radio and the song I'm Movin' On by Rascal Flatts came on. I've listened to this song so many times and have it mostly memorized but this time some of the lyrics hit me differently....
We moved shortly after the school year was out and I left my emotions for that teacher back in that school, or so I thought. We entered into a new school year and I realized just how far Emma had really fallen behind. I again was outraged at what had happened. Several times over this school year I have felt a hatred for that first grade teacher. I have pushed and pushed Emma to work harder and try, in my mind, to catch up. I was talking with a friend one day and she told me that I really shouldn't worry about Emma being at the same level with the kids of her class because a good portion of the kids in her class were at a different level than all the other 2nd graders. This made me feel so much better about where my daughter was and when the 2nd trimester grades came out and I saw that she was meeting all the state standards, my mind was put at ease.
UNTIL......In March I started to work on a blurb book for 2008. I came across blog posts that I had written around that time when Emma was going through such hard times and those feelings and emotions all came back so fast and really so much harder than it had for a long time. I told Brent that I wanted these emotions gone, that I really wanted to be able to move past it and I thought I had until I came across it in the blurb book. We talked about ways to move past it. I talked to Steph and my mom and I felt better about my decisions that I made at that time. They all reassured me that everything happens for a reason and that I really was listening to the Spirit and that that was the direction Emma needed to go in at that time. Since then and until this past Fast Sunday I once again buried it and tried to just forget about it.
Then Sis. Day gave this lesson on giving every trial you have to the Lord. She talked about not only giving our sins to him but had a list of thirteen "could be" trials of things that we should give over to the Lord to help us through them. One of them just happened to be a difficult childhood. Now I'm not saying that my childhood was bad. I grew up in a loving home with loving parents who taught me the gospel and supported me in my learning and growth. I came home from the lesson thinking that it had been a really great lesson. I kinda put it into the back of my mind until Monday when I was cleaning up the desk and getting Emma's homework for the week ready. All the sudden it hit me like a ton of bricks! It was not my childhood that was effected but Emma's and while I let this hatred continue on, I am really hurting my child because I, me myself and I, can't move on. I was not giving this trial to the Lord to help me move on. I had not truly knelt and prayed for Him to take this burden from me. Quickly I found myself on my knees pleading with my Father for help and almost just as quickly I felt Him there, His arms around mine, lifting my burdens. The feeling for the next couple of days was of freedom. The hatred decreased and I could physically feel that weight being taken from me. Since then I have had a few experiences to help me along. The first was my friend Steph. She, thankfully having listened to the Spirit, told me that her early difficult childhood experiences taught her to be compassionate and have empathy for others with similar problems as she once faced. Those words were the balm I needed. Then one day as I prepared dinner flipped on the radio and the song I'm Movin' On by Rascal Flatts came on. I've listened to this song so many times and have it mostly memorized but this time some of the lyrics hit me differently....
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once (because of the Lord)I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on
I'm movin' on
At last I can see life (really the Lord) has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone
These words are exactly how I'm feeling at this moment. I can move on! I can move past this burden that has been holding me back for a year. The Lord loves me and is at every moment, here for ME! What a difficult but incredible journey.
2 comments:
cyndi you are such a spiritual ROCKSTAR...not that I'm surprised, you always have been...Whenever I hear country songs I think of old boyfriends and here you are drawing gospel parallels! I BASK IN YOUR LIGHT!!!! Way to set an example for us hoodlums! :) LOVE YOU!
I agree - you are a spiritual rockstar!
Thank you for sharing your insight. I think every time you share something, it is something that I need to hear. It's cause you're amazing, isn't it?!?
Love ya!
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