Feelings, Nothing More Than Feelings

Maybe it is because the stars have aligned in just the right manner or maybe it is because I'm so tired I can't think or feel at the moment or maybe it is because I have worked matters over enough to be ok with my world for the time being or maybe (actually probably) it is the Priesthood blessing I received last night that has put things into perspective.  Tonight, however, for the first time in a long time, I feel at peace.  

Loosing both grandparents in a relatively short manner has forced some realities to be brought forth.  I have been facing truths lately that have helped me understand more and become more accepting.  Until Grandpa Ross went Home, I assumed things were a certain way and I had assumed my position in the Farrel Ross family different than how I was received when I arrived for the funeral.  I guess in truth I never gave things or people a chance because of preconceived notions, preconceived experiences, and prejudices that had formed in the past.  Lets just say I was reticent to attend and be apart of this family gathering.  There are reasons those feelings were conceived to begin with and they do hold some merit but I have since found that because some of those notions were conceived as a child (with very limited understanding as a child), they do not hold up as an adult hence the forced realities needing to be analyzed and faced.  

As Grandma Ross was starting the journey Home on Thursday night/Friday morning, I started to feel very anxious. I was feeling like I had just began this path of studying the feelings in my heart and that there was still time to work them out before I lost both Grandparents and then she was gone and I realized that was lost forever and my regrets would never be satisfied.  That's a hard thought to face.  Thinking that the regrets you have will never come to be resolved leaves a lot of wanting and so much left open.  All that anxiousness welled up inside me and left me feeling like this tangled mess of spaghetti noodles twisting inside my heart, heavy and wet and gross and a compete nightmare to untangle.  

Time marches on whether we want it to or not and as these past days have come, by force, I have marched with them.  Marching however has led me down the path that I needed.  School starting brings changes and schedules and with it comes Fathers Blessings.  I got thinking that it was time I had a blessing as well as Emma and I'm so forever grateful to my sweet eternal companion for keeping himself worthy to have the Priesthood so that it can be in our home.  Through the power of Jesus Christ so many things are healed.  Last night he did not give me a healing blessing but one of comfort, nonetheless it has healed a part of me.  The anxiousness I was feeling has subsided and clarity on these matters has been found.  I feel now I can attend this upcoming and final funeral in peace and finding the closure needed to let my past rest won't be the once existing struggle.  Thank you Brent and thank you to my Savior because without them I'm afraid I would still be feeling like wet noodle ball!