Ward Choir Practice

When I was first starting 6th grade, I was under the impression that I had to go into band. I never bothered asking if I had to but because my older siblings had, I assumed I had to. I really didn't enjoy playing the flute. I never practiced because I didn't enjoy it and finally after being nearly last chair in both 6th and 7th grade I gave it up. Looking back I wished I had taken choir but as I do look back I realize that the Lord had other things in store for me and being in choir wasn't one of them. In high school there were a lot of Mormon kids in choir and in "my" high school opinion, a very popular place to be. I always secretly wished during those years that I could be in Varsity Choir (probably not a very big secret) but I wasn't wanting to work my way up the ranks and try out for it, I just wanted to be a part of the life that I thought was cool and really because I felt left out. Again as I said before however, choir wasn't what the Lord wanted for me. I don't really want to go into why I feel the Lord didn't want me in choir but if you really want to know I'll tell you later. What I will tell is that today looking back and really looking at reality I am so so glad I wasn't in choir in high school. This all leads me to today and the irony of wanting to join choir in high school because I thought it was cool versus the wanting to be part of our simple and wonderful ward choir. I joined our ward choir towards the beginning of last month. I didn't join to be cool but because I enjoy singing. In joining, I have found a sense of joy and accomplishment that I don't get from other things. The last few weeks we have been practicing for our Christmas program. I admit I am not a terrific singer but I really love being in the choir. Now for the next several Sundays until we actually sing in church I will anxiously await choir practice. I told Brent today that one of these practices I am going to end up in tears because of the music. (Some of our music has come from this website, just thought I would throw that in.) Today I did end up in tears but for a different reason. There are two songs that we are going to sing that some of us sing an ooooo. One with a narrator and the other for about 6 or so long measures. This is so hard for me. I have never been taught how to sight read and I always have to listen to the person next to me to do it right and if I can't, I end up just faking it. Today though, I GOT IT! I was able to follow along with the notes and know when to go up and down and followed along for several measures until we started to sing words again. I was elated. I don't know if I sang exactly the right pitch or tone or whatever but I followed along. I didn't have to fake anything. I found myself staring at the page with tears in my eyes because I got it, I understood it. Sometimes it's the simple things like being able to follow the notes that get to me. I end up feeling like such a failure because I have to ask so many obvious questions. Sometimes I wonder if the people next to me think I am a moron. I have to remind myself that we all learn at different levels. Speaking of that, when I joined the choir, I told the director that I wasn't very good and that I don't know very much about music and she said that very thing, that we all learn at different levels. I've sung with a few different choirs but this is the first that I have ever felt like I could ask questions that were moronic and not be looked at like one. I said before that I anxiously await choir practice. I'm sure to some this sounds a little weird but I really really do find such joy in this. How could I not. The music is great, our director is so great. I've heard a few stories about her education in music and how accomplished she is. There's something about her that makes me want to do my best. I know that when I am there and I'm watching her conduct, she seems like she is having such fun and it really helps me to feel empowered that I can do whatever she asks of me. She creates such a relaxed and energetic atmosphere at the same time. Today we were singing the word "gloria" and she was having us really punch it out strong. We all got really into it and all the sudden her little two year old girl sang out "gloria" with us. Even though we are singing and rehearsing there's such peace and contentment for me.
In the end I don't really think that the Lord "took" choir away from me in high school, I think He kept me from making some wrong choices and helped me learn a whole lot of important things I would need down the road to be able to help others. It kinda makes me wonder sitting here having gone through these emotions today if indeed these things during choir practice such as peace and contentment aren't maybe a congratulatory pat on the back from Him saying, "You walked the path I wanted you to so now I'm giving you this little piece of heaven, oh and by the way it's going to make you feel great and lift your self esteem."